While the World Passed By

In the middle of the day, country music filling the space, I reconnect with a piece of me I set aside. Hello, me. It’s been a hot minute since we had a chance to sit down together and talk about things. If you’ll let me, I’d like to explain what’s been going on and where I’ve been.

I returned to a place I never thought I’d look back on. In coming here, I’ve rediscovered countless things I'd forgotten. The quiet life in a small town. Where the neighbors are neighborly and for some reason time seems to stand still. Things may look the same, but there are new faces mixed in with the old. Small changes can be seen all over town - a new water tower, an expansion on the school, my best friends don’t live in their childhood homes anymore. I don’t live in my childhood home anymore.

Is nostalgia that feeling inside wishing I could somehow hold onto and go back in time to those precious memories? Is that this pulling in my heart drawing my mind into the faded memories of pool in the basement, poker in the shed, and basketball down the street? How does one properly handle feelings of nostalgia? Do I lean into the memory and smile because it happened? Do I relive the emotions I felt at the time? Do I write it down quickly just to forget about it? Do I put on one of those songs that brings me back to my most important memories and sit in them for a moment?

Yeah those feelings of nostalgia hit hard sometimes, and it’s hard to remember they are feelings. They will come and go, and if I choose to sit in those memories, I am denying myself the right to the presence. Still, what am I trying to tell myself pulling these memories to the present? What lesson did I miss that I need to revisit? What if there is no lesson in the feelings? What if the lesson is that there is no lesson (technically that means there’s still a lesson)

When I’m not feeling nostalgic these days, I am still being a dog mom and working on my career growth. I have also found my own way to contribute to the community that brings me joy and fulfillment. I’ve reworked my approach to relationships and “love” knowing it is still the glue holding it all together. I’ve also made mistakes and continue to find areas of opportunity in my life, but finding those areas isn’t as scary as it once was. Facing those areas isn’t as hard as it used to be.

I’ve been reminded of a drive and a purpose I forgot I had. In the messiness of life over the last 2 years, I’ve come to find myself growing and evolving. Through all the growth and all the change, I just kept hanging on. Waiting to get to the next stage. Hoping maybe if I waited long enough, I’d figure out what the secret is. Forgetting, I already know the secret. I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. It might take my entire life, but if I want to achieve it, I can. Next question, if anything can be achieved, what is the right thing to achieve?

I’ve “achieved” my entire life. Achievement is a grind I was once addicted to. At some point, my exposure to the real world brought my grind to a halt. Think about getting the wind knocked out of you. My grind was hit hard. In trying to recover from the hit, I took what felt like another and another. One thing after another pummeling me to an unrecognizable version of myself. Until suddenly, I didn’t remember achievement and could only think of existing. It felt like nothing I’d “achieved” had panned out in the way I thought it would.

I like to think of this next period of time that followed as time of reprioritizing myself. The truth is it’s been a lot of prioritizing and deprioritizing myself to arrive at the right balance. It’s also taken overcoming my fear of myself and learning to love myself. Self love is a never ending pursuit. Some days it is easy, but many days it is not. I’ve come to reframe this difficulty in loving myself as an opportunity to grow a sort of “muscle.” Growth is hard to see, but when enough time has passed by and I reflect, I can see progress.

So I’ve been giving to myself. I gave myself a home. I gave myself the opportunity to get to know myself. I gave myself a second lease on life. One built with the knowledge of my past intertwined with the hopes of my future. I’ve worked to redefine the right priorities in my life based on what’s right for me. Knowing I have to be my top priority before anything else. I hold the reins in my life.

I am a balancing act. I am really good at keeping things in balance. I am learning how to deal with falling off balance and redistributing things to regain equilibrium as a faster rate. Fail fast and move on.